alright, but why else have i been gone?
cw for sexual harassment, discussion of sex, dysphoria, very very brief mention of csa
in december, some guy texted me and said he found my number on a sheet of paper on the floor. we talked for a while about how weird that was, and we exchanged names and added each other on roblox. i figured out we lived in the same hall, he's an ra, actually, and i thought that was nice. i was finally making a friend in college, after months of being lonely with no one to talk to.
then he asked me to hang out. i said "sure, we can play roblox or something".
he just wanted hook up.
tmi, but i've never had sex before. why would some weird webmaster with a website based on a youtube series not be a virgin, right? and i told him that that wasn't something i've ever done. he said it was cute and he would "love to teach me about it". i said no several times but he kept insisting on "just making out" or "just sleeping in the same bed". he told me i was his type, if he wanted to do anything with anyone, it'd be me.
he said "whatever you probably just think i'm ugly" but he wasn't. not really. he was pretty in the face and was decently funny. but even then i wasn't comfortable.
i told him i'd think about it and he started periodically texting me during winter break before i blocked him. i didn't want to think about him anymore. the way he talked to me, talked about me, just made me feel really gross. it's like i wasn't even a person to him. i didn't even feel like an object of desire, but instead an object of lust. it's different. instead of me being someone he wanted to be with, to experience, it was more like i was nothing but a body. i tried talking to him about my favorite roblox games, but he shifted the conversation back to sex. he didn't care about me as a person, he just wanted to get lucky, or unlucky, in my opinion.
i started seeing myself differently after that. all throughout winter break, it was just a shroud over my head. how many other people see me that way? a few, maybe, so many people had crushes on me in middle school and i know a somewhat unsavory picture of mine floated around their circle for a while. could i ever truly be comfortable with my sexuality again? surely not, i already lost it when it was ripped away from me at a young age, and now i'm for sure not getting it back. could i ever love my body again? i didn't before, why start now?
i talked to my mom about it, and she told me a story about something that happened to her. it was bad, i cried hearing it. she was the same age as i was, and got caught up with the wrong crowd. i don't think i'll ever forget what she told me. hearing about it, though, pulled a weight off my chest. she's a strong, resilient person. if she can make it, so can i.
i ordered a no-contact order within the week i moved back in. i try not to think about it anymore, but there are days where i do. those days are really hard, but i think about it less and less now. i'm really glad that i do.