i'm tired.
cw: american politics, the n-word (hard r), implied homo/transphobia, racism, discussion of suicide
aren't we all right now?
november 5th, 2024. i stared at the polls as soon as they started. i couldn't vote because i never got my absentee ballot, but two of my siblings did. my parents did. i can only hope my brother and other family members did.
i live in a normally-blue swing state. but thanks to those 14 million voters that didn't vote and the people that voted third party as some type of counterculture, we were red.
where i am, far away from home, i'm in an extremely red county. seriously, you cannot leave this fucking campus for a few miles without seeing trump 2024 signs on every lawn. i can already tell that the few harris supporters i did see have already put away their signs.
there are people at this school that support trump. one of my roommates has a boyfriend and brother that support trump, which is very telling of her own stance. i had to report her boyfriend for telling someone "shut up nigger." nothing came of that. he still comes over almost every day.
once i saw all of that red, i knew it was over. donald j. trump would be president again, and i cried. i cried and cried and cried until i had no tears left, and i still sobbed. why? why do we have to go through this again?
i began fearing for my life. not just under trump's policies and project 2025, but for the area around me. i'm too scared to walk around campus or even take out my garbage. this is a predominantly-white predominately-red campus. with that victory under his belt, what's going to happen to someone like me if i go out there? black queer and autistic is an extremely easy target.
but after some time, i stopped crying. still very afraid, but i had to be strong. i told all of my other american friends that this wasn't the end. i reassured a group of minors that i was friends with when i was 17 that everything would be okay. they're so scared. they're fearing for their lives. some of them told me they didn't want to go on anymore. they need an older figure to look out for them, and that has to be me. i'm the oldest person in the group, i have to comfort them. i played minecraft with martyn deep into the afternoon the day after because she was so scared.
but then i had to stop. because one of my other roommates was sobbing. they're older than me, and yet i had to hold them in my arms as they sobbed about how scared they were about the future. they didn't want to leave the dorm anymore, they wanted to throw in the towel, they just couldn't understand how this could happen. and i told them that everything would be okay. nothing has happened yet, we're still here. that's the most important part. giving up is exactly what they want us to do.
i've never had to do that before. it's not like we're strangers, but we've only had three or four conversations before this. and yet. they were sobbing in my arms. i know what it's like to have to be strong for others, but in times like this, where there's really no telling what could happen, it's hard. but i couldn't just let them cry. they needed reassurance, they needed someone in that moment, and i've always been one to help those who are struggling.
but i'm scared. i'm so so so so so fucking scared. but no matter what happens, i have to stay. my existence is an act of rebellion, it always has been, and i'm not letting them win.