just rambling
cws: general hopelessness, light mentions of weed and "self-love" (kind of tmi), VERY informal
("crossposted" from my journal)
i hate how i feel so. childish compared to the other people in my life. i know im not that old and legally speaking i only stopped being a child last year but it's kind of hard to like. accept that fact because everyone i know in my age group has already matured. so many people i know are in college, live alone, have jobs or partners, just two weeks ago one of my friends from elementary school had her first child, and yet im just. still obsessed with everything i liked as a kid and then some. i tried going to college, failed spectacularly. i lived alone at that time, and i had to come back home because my family knew it was a horrible experience for me. i've tried getting a job and they've always fallen through, and im not even attracted to people irl so i don't think im ever getting into a relationship. my friends go to parties and plan hangouts while i sit in my room for nearly 20 hours a day doing nothing but sleeping playing roblox and jerking off. honestly it sounds like a dream if it weren't for the fact that i don't have any life prospects. all of my siblings are doing better than me even my older brother who everyone knows is a massive fuckup that wastes all of his time and money on weed instead of his car or moving out at least has a job. one of my sisters is doing well in art school and the other one is literally running a business. i don't really see myself ever doing more than what i do now and i don't necessarily mind that but everyone else in my life does which makes it hard for me to relax a lot