living for myself
i can't think of any applicable warnings
it has been 9 days since my best friend last spoke to me, and 17 days since she went radio silent.
it's crushing. the uncertainty, the paranoia, the endless worrying. i want to be there for her, but i can't be; the dependency i have on her, that we have on each other, has been detrimental to me in many ways. it hurts, but i have to live for myself. i can't spend all of my time alive being paranoid, wondering if things are going to be okay or not.
she told me not to contact her, so i won't. i don't want to overstep, i don't want to make her feel worse than she already has.
i was watching parts of deltarune chapter 4 (sorry, valentine. i know i should've waited for you to come back so we could experience it together), and there was a set of lines from gerson that really stuck with me.
i cried. i cried and cried, because that's all i needed to hear. my world isn't ending, life goes on. people lose people all the time, i've lost more friends than i can count, but i'm still here.
being alone for a spell has been good for me, anyway. i feel a lot less.. pressured. she wasn't pressuring me at all, but i felt as if i had to do so many things just because she asks. i feel like shit if i decline a hang-out opportunity, but i feel like shit after saying yes because i'm not the type of person that likes being on the phone for hours at a time.
i miss her more than words can convey, but i need to start living for myself. i need to stop spending hours at a time having panic attacks because she's deactivated everywhere, and instead just keep living. everything will be all right, sooner or later.