surviving yet not thriving
cw: disordered eating, suicidal ideation
i don't know how i always find myself in a bad place every other week, but here i am.
maybe it's because i have so many ambitions and no desire to ever work on any of them. maybe it's because i'm not as skilled as i think i am and can't keep up with any creative endeavors to save my life. maybe it's because my therapy appointment was canceled yesterday. for the second time in a row. maybe it's because i don't even get out of bed anymore. maybe it's because i sleep for nearly 12 hours a day and can't even tell the difference between am and pm anymore. maybe it's because i haven't bothered to do anything in my classes lately. maybe it's because i'm wasting my life and my mom's money just sitting here and rotting behind a computer screen all day. maybe it's because i haven't brushed my hair in two months. maybe it's because i haven't been keeping my living space clean. maybe it's because my mom has been in the hospital for over a week now. maybe it's because i'm sure my sister hates me and hasn't spoken to me in nearly two weeks. maybe it's because i blew up at coin unprovoked and he shut me down immediately so i just look like a stupid asshole. maybe it's because i have no money nor income and i'm running out of food and i'm sick of asking people for money knowing i can't give them anything in return. maybe it's because i don't even bother to eat anymore until it feels like my stomach is eating itself.
i wasn't cut out for this. i wasn't made to last this long. i don't know what i'm doing anymore.